Parents have to be more cautious and keep a close eye on their kids to protect them from negative influences.
Showing posts with label parents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parents. Show all posts
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Sunday, March 18, 2012
You can do it, dad !
The Gap By CELINE CHUA
It’s time to wake up and break the barriers, a hopeful daughter says.
THERE is a man who stays under the same roof as me. He is not tall nor handsome, and not that strong. He is in his mid-50s and jobless. That is what I worry about the most. I don’t frown or show signs of worry on my face, but inside, worries fill my heart.
He thinks that he is old, but to me, he is a young man. His leg aches and he cannot walk far.
In his mind, old age and the pain in his leg are reasons why he cannot get a job. But he is wrong. I used to agree what he says, but now I don’t and never will.
You can see old men with wrinkles on their forehead and white hair filling their entire head cleaning tables in coffee shops. There are old men who sit on those big chairs with their legs crossed in their own companies or shops.
Some middle-aged men still read books in public. People who have lost their limbs are learning skills to earn money on their own.
They never give up. They never think that they are unlucky to be born into this world.
When I watch him lying on a wooden chair, I feel a sudden pain in my heart. Why is he not doing anything? Can’t he find something to do? Search for a job, perhaps?
I know it is not easy to get a job. But if he makes an effort to look, he will surely get one someday.
Does he do that? Nope. He just sits on a chair, clicks the mouse and keeps an eye on the share market. Sometimes, he goes to the cinema for a movie.
Wake up, man! You can earn some money through the share market but NOT permanently.
You think the profit you get from there is your salary? No, it’s not! It might be enough for you to survive on. What about us, your family? You’re the man of the house. We count on you.
Now I’m afraid to count on anyone. He has no earnings. Mum does all the work and I don’t want to give her pressure. She has to work hard in the office. When she comes home, she does all the chores.
Whenever I take my tuition fees from her, I feel a sense of guilt. I feel as if I’m “eating up” her years of effort within seconds. Whenever she hands me my pocket money, I’ll thrust it into my wallet and never take it out.
Nowadays, I’m “afraid” to use money. I want to save as much money as possible. After my SPM, I want to get a part-time job and earn money for my parents. The weight on mum’s shoulders is getting heavier because my sister and I need money for our studies. I will study hard and get a scholarship. In fact, it is a must that I do. There is no way mum can afford all the expenses.
What about him? Worse. I’m not insulting him. It’s a fact. How can we afford to pay for thing when there is no income? Forget about those things I love – shoes, dessert, handbags, novels and clothes. Just focus on studies ...
Why does he give up? I don’t get it. People are fighting for their life. No matter how difficult things are, they still break the wall and move on. Why does he let the barriers stop him?
Nothing is impossible – just aim for it.
I know he can do it. Just don’t give up. Think positively and good things will come. There will be an opportunity. Don’t let it go; don’t run away when it approaches. Chances will always be there.
Dad, it’s time to wake up and look around you. There’s a family to support. We support you, always. We will never let you fall. W’ll grab your hand before you hit the ground and pray for you.
You’re a great dad. Don’t disappoint us, just be a hero in our heart. Make us proud, make us happy. I give you my hand, let us all be together.
PS: Be wise and be a good listener.
> Parents and their children at any age can have different points of view over just about everything. Or do they? We invite parents and children to write in to show us where the generation gap closes and widens. E-mail us at star2.gap@thestar.com.my.
It’s time to wake up and break the barriers, a hopeful daughter says.
THERE is a man who stays under the same roof as me. He is not tall nor handsome, and not that strong. He is in his mid-50s and jobless. That is what I worry about the most. I don’t frown or show signs of worry on my face, but inside, worries fill my heart.
He thinks that he is old, but to me, he is a young man. His leg aches and he cannot walk far.
In his mind, old age and the pain in his leg are reasons why he cannot get a job. But he is wrong. I used to agree what he says, but now I don’t and never will.
You can see old men with wrinkles on their forehead and white hair filling their entire head cleaning tables in coffee shops. There are old men who sit on those big chairs with their legs crossed in their own companies or shops.
Some middle-aged men still read books in public. People who have lost their limbs are learning skills to earn money on their own.
They never give up. They never think that they are unlucky to be born into this world.
When I watch him lying on a wooden chair, I feel a sudden pain in my heart. Why is he not doing anything? Can’t he find something to do? Search for a job, perhaps?
I know it is not easy to get a job. But if he makes an effort to look, he will surely get one someday.
Does he do that? Nope. He just sits on a chair, clicks the mouse and keeps an eye on the share market. Sometimes, he goes to the cinema for a movie.
Wake up, man! You can earn some money through the share market but NOT permanently.
You think the profit you get from there is your salary? No, it’s not! It might be enough for you to survive on. What about us, your family? You’re the man of the house. We count on you.
Now I’m afraid to count on anyone. He has no earnings. Mum does all the work and I don’t want to give her pressure. She has to work hard in the office. When she comes home, she does all the chores.
Whenever I take my tuition fees from her, I feel a sense of guilt. I feel as if I’m “eating up” her years of effort within seconds. Whenever she hands me my pocket money, I’ll thrust it into my wallet and never take it out.
Nowadays, I’m “afraid” to use money. I want to save as much money as possible. After my SPM, I want to get a part-time job and earn money for my parents. The weight on mum’s shoulders is getting heavier because my sister and I need money for our studies. I will study hard and get a scholarship. In fact, it is a must that I do. There is no way mum can afford all the expenses.
What about him? Worse. I’m not insulting him. It’s a fact. How can we afford to pay for thing when there is no income? Forget about those things I love – shoes, dessert, handbags, novels and clothes. Just focus on studies ...
Why does he give up? I don’t get it. People are fighting for their life. No matter how difficult things are, they still break the wall and move on. Why does he let the barriers stop him?
Nothing is impossible – just aim for it.
I know he can do it. Just don’t give up. Think positively and good things will come. There will be an opportunity. Don’t let it go; don’t run away when it approaches. Chances will always be there.
Dad, it’s time to wake up and look around you. There’s a family to support. We support you, always. We will never let you fall. W’ll grab your hand before you hit the ground and pray for you.
You’re a great dad. Don’t disappoint us, just be a hero in our heart. Make us proud, make us happy. I give you my hand, let us all be together.
PS: Be wise and be a good listener.
> Parents and their children at any age can have different points of view over just about everything. Or do they? We invite parents and children to write in to show us where the generation gap closes and widens. E-mail us at star2.gap@thestar.com.my.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Aging Parents, Embattled Kids: Can You Find Pain Relief?
By Carolyn Rosenblatt, Forbes Contributor
This is a real situation.
Three brothers are engaged in pitched battle over their mother’s living situation. Mom is severely demented and can’t care for herself independently. She had long term care insurance, but she has almost exhausted that benefit. Her only remaining asset is her home. She needs full time care.
The eldest brother, James, seized power over her finances from the middle brother, Paul. He got mom to appoint him the power of attorney and the agent on the healthcare directive, and displaced Paul, who had always been on both documents . Mom wasn’t competent to sign anything when she did, but James didn’t seem to care. That infuriated Paul. Little brother Joe is somewhat passive, but sides with Paul.
The three never got along very well, even as kids. There was a lot of arguing and their communication did not improve as they grew up. They largely avoided one another. Until now.
James decided, without communicating with either of his brothers, to move mom to an assisted living facility that takes care of people with dementia. She would have her own room. It would be in her neighborhood. Her house would be sold to pay for it. A deposit was paid.
When Paul heard of this, he became enraged, told Joe and they both threatened to sue James. In response, James found a lawyer and began guardianship proceedings. There is no money in mom’s checking account to pay the lawyer, so James promised the attorney that she could get paid when the house was sold. It’s a nice home.
Mom’s long time estate attorney suggested mediation. She urged the siblings to stop upsetting their mom and each other by using a neutral person to help them try to reach some agreements. This sounds like a good solution, doesn’t it? They could meet with the mediator, and see if they could figure out a way to be more civil to each other around the move for mom. They definitely needed help to work toward a less aggravating future for each other caring for their mom.
James refused to go to mediation.
The guardianship proceeds apace. Thousands of dollars will be needlessly wasted on the litigation, James against Paul and Joe. The brothers will become ever more acrimonious and the story will not end well during mom’s final days.
As a mediator for families in conflict, I can only say that this story keeps repeating itself in different forms. It’s frustrating for me, as I know that in most instances, mediation of family conflicts about elders can really help and it is quite often successful. The hard thing to understand is why wouldn’t the Jameses of the world want to give it a try? Is it the power they yield? Is it control over their siblings via legal documents and court cases?
Certainly, the cost of mediation can’t be the reason to refuse it. It is far, far less expensive than just about any court proceeding. If siblings are scattered, as in James, Paul and Joe’s case, mediation can even be done over the phone. You can’t make anyone do it though. It’s voluntary.
A factor at play is James’s attorney’s motive in handling the guardianship proceedings. Lots of money is at stake if the litigation keeps going. She can rake it in when that house sells. If she agrees to go to mediation with Paul, and the siblings settle their differences, there goes her paycheck. If you don’t think some lawyers want to keep conflict alive and churning for their own selfish sakes, think again.
What’s the takeaway here?
Mediation works. Think about it if your family is in conflict over an aging parent. Here’s an illustrative quick video http://agingparents.com/wp/about-carolyn-l-rosenblatt-r-n-attorney-at-law/ (scroll to bottom of the page).
It is a dignified way to resolve your differences without a court. No one judges you. You work it out as you choose, not how anyone else tells you to do it.
After my 27 years as a litigator, I can tell you firsthand that in so many instances, no one feels very satisfied when you’re done with litigation.
Some of us call ourselves “elder mediators”. We work in this arena of warring families and parents. It’s not therapy. It’s short term problem solving. I encourage those who are feeling the heartbreak of scenes like the one above to find a mediator and get going. There is hope, even when it seems impossible. You can make it better.
Until next time,
AgingParents.com
Newscribe : get free news in real time
This is a real situation.
Three brothers are engaged in pitched battle over their mother’s living situation. Mom is severely demented and can’t care for herself independently. She had long term care insurance, but she has almost exhausted that benefit. Her only remaining asset is her home. She needs full time care.
The eldest brother, James, seized power over her finances from the middle brother, Paul. He got mom to appoint him the power of attorney and the agent on the healthcare directive, and displaced Paul, who had always been on both documents . Mom wasn’t competent to sign anything when she did, but James didn’t seem to care. That infuriated Paul. Little brother Joe is somewhat passive, but sides with Paul.
The three never got along very well, even as kids. There was a lot of arguing and their communication did not improve as they grew up. They largely avoided one another. Until now.
James decided, without communicating with either of his brothers, to move mom to an assisted living facility that takes care of people with dementia. She would have her own room. It would be in her neighborhood. Her house would be sold to pay for it. A deposit was paid.
When Paul heard of this, he became enraged, told Joe and they both threatened to sue James. In response, James found a lawyer and began guardianship proceedings. There is no money in mom’s checking account to pay the lawyer, so James promised the attorney that she could get paid when the house was sold. It’s a nice home.
Mom’s long time estate attorney suggested mediation. She urged the siblings to stop upsetting their mom and each other by using a neutral person to help them try to reach some agreements. This sounds like a good solution, doesn’t it? They could meet with the mediator, and see if they could figure out a way to be more civil to each other around the move for mom. They definitely needed help to work toward a less aggravating future for each other caring for their mom.
James refused to go to mediation.
The guardianship proceeds apace. Thousands of dollars will be needlessly wasted on the litigation, James against Paul and Joe. The brothers will become ever more acrimonious and the story will not end well during mom’s final days.
As a mediator for families in conflict, I can only say that this story keeps repeating itself in different forms. It’s frustrating for me, as I know that in most instances, mediation of family conflicts about elders can really help and it is quite often successful. The hard thing to understand is why wouldn’t the Jameses of the world want to give it a try? Is it the power they yield? Is it control over their siblings via legal documents and court cases?
Certainly, the cost of mediation can’t be the reason to refuse it. It is far, far less expensive than just about any court proceeding. If siblings are scattered, as in James, Paul and Joe’s case, mediation can even be done over the phone. You can’t make anyone do it though. It’s voluntary.
A factor at play is James’s attorney’s motive in handling the guardianship proceedings. Lots of money is at stake if the litigation keeps going. She can rake it in when that house sells. If she agrees to go to mediation with Paul, and the siblings settle their differences, there goes her paycheck. If you don’t think some lawyers want to keep conflict alive and churning for their own selfish sakes, think again.
What’s the takeaway here?
Mediation works. Think about it if your family is in conflict over an aging parent. Here’s an illustrative quick video http://agingparents.com/wp/about-carolyn-l-rosenblatt-r-n-attorney-at-law/ (scroll to bottom of the page).
It is a dignified way to resolve your differences without a court. No one judges you. You work it out as you choose, not how anyone else tells you to do it.
After my 27 years as a litigator, I can tell you firsthand that in so many instances, no one feels very satisfied when you’re done with litigation.
Some of us call ourselves “elder mediators”. We work in this arena of warring families and parents. It’s not therapy. It’s short term problem solving. I encourage those who are feeling the heartbreak of scenes like the one above to find a mediator and get going. There is hope, even when it seems impossible. You can make it better.
Until next time,
AgingParents.com
Newscribe : get free news in real time
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)