It's not love that keeps my marriage alive - it's SEX: The clergyman's wife who says desire has helped them through dark times

 

Annie Atkins says her celibate husband was the sexiest man she had ever met when they met, aged 20

• Annie Atkins says sex was the reason she married her husband Shaun
• Ms Atkins says her and clergyman husband seem to be in the minority 
• A survey has shown that 55 per cent of adults are happy with their sex lives

The other day, my husband Shaun and I went to a friend's drinks party. As the wine flowed, we got talking to a group of 50-something couples and the polite chatter turned to how we had all met our partners.

'And why did you marry each other?' we were asked in turn.

Spontaneously - and without conferring - Shaun and I both simultaneously said 'Sex,' and then laughed.

The couple who had asked us, both marriage counsellors, looked deeply shocked: 'We've never heard anyone say that before.'

Apparently, most couples say utterly drippy things such as: 'We wanted to support each other.'

Perhaps our reply was particularly shocking because Shaun is a clergyman. But the truth is that we vowed our lives to each other so we could make love to each other - for life.

While sex once seemed easy, it can tail off in later life thanks to the menopause, fears over our ageing bodies and the sad truth that familiarity can breed contempt

As this conversation, and a survey released last week by marriage counselling service Relate, showed, we seem to be in a minority.

" While sex once seemed easy, it can tail off in later life thanks to the menopause, fears over our ageing bodies and the sad truth that familiarity can breed contempt"

Relate's survey revealed that more than half the population has not had sex in the past four weeks, and 55 per cent of adults are unhappy with their sex life.

This is apparently because we're all so bombarded with messages about how sex 'ought to be' - in films, books such as Fifty Shades Of Grey, magazines and websites - that we're starting to avoid it altogether for fear of seeming less than perfect.

And this pressure can be especially prevalent for the over-50s. While sex once seemed easy, it can tail off in later life thanks to the menopause, fears over our ageing bodies and the sad truth that familiarity can breed contempt.

Well, lack of perfection has never bothered me - in fact, as we've got older, sex has become better and better.

The couple, who met at Oxford, married at 22, after Annie fell for Shaun's steely reserve and passion

People often say love inevitably changes from the heady, adrenaline-charged romance and lust of youth to something much more staid in middle age; that you can't stay 'in love' all your life. I passionately disagree.

Life-long love goes through different phases, but part of the endless fascination of it is that you never know where it might go next.

After all, what makes love-making within a marriage so endlessly interesting and fun is not endless variety, but the endless challenges in loving just one person.

The couple, who have five children, have been through hard times including Shaun's breakdown

People might be surprised to hear me - a regular on Radio 4's Thought For The Day and mother of five children - talk so openly about the crucial importance of love-making.

But it's the bond that has kept us together, the thread running through our shared lives, particularly when times have been difficult.

After being fortunate enough to find my perfect lover in my early 20s, I can't imagine ever wanting to be celibate.

Shaun and I met in our second year at Oxford University, both aged 20.

One morning a few months later, when we still barely knew each other, I took a break from an essay to visit him for coffee.

He utterly stunned me by telling me he was 'madly in love' with me.

That day I wrote to my parents: 'Just before lunchtime, I fell in love.'

Unlike Shaun - who, as a committed Christian, had kept himself scrupulously pure, not even kissing a girl - I'd had boyfriends through my teens, but had never wanted to have sex with any of them. With Shaun, I felt very differently. He woke something in me that I'd never felt before.

With his quiet, steely reserve and flashes of Irish poetry and passion, he was, quite simply, the sexiest man I'd ever met.

We wanted each other so much that he proposed to me later that year and we agreed to marry as soon as we reasonably could - straight after our Finals, aged 22.

Waiting for our wedding night to make love was far more difficult than getting a degree.

So, naturally, we told the shocked couple at the drinks party that we married for sex.

Ms Atkins was so attracted to Shaun she found the wait for their wedding night harder than getting her degree

Otherwise, why bother? Why not just be friends?

After all, it's sex that makes this relationship different from all others. However much we love our family and children and parents and friends, it is only the two of us who share that part of our lives together.

One of the great fallacies of married life is that during the downs, love-making must decline. In my experience, that's when sexual intimacy, even if not sex itself, is more crucial than ever.

NO AGE LIMIT

Nearly a third of women and over half of men over 70 are still sexually active

Throughout our many years together, Shaun and I have encountered tough times as well as good.

After our first child was born, I went off sex for several weeks. At the time I felt guilty - I believed I was letting Shaun down and I honestly didn't know whether I would ever be interested in making love again.

I explained and apologised. He told me not to be so silly and just held me each night in a friendly hug, which probably restored me far faster than anything else could have done.

Annie admits she understand how older couples can become shy about making love... +8 View gallery

But claims that making love to her husband is the closest form of togetherness they have +8 View gallery

A passionate sex life has kept the couple strong though difficult times, boosting their self-esteem

I've never felt that way since - not even after the births of the next four - but it communicated to me very memorably that sometimes the most loving way to make love is to give an undemanding cuddle.

Some years ago, Shaun had got into a rut in his parish and he retreated into himself. He barely spoke for several weeks, let alone touched me.

I was so wretched and lonely I wanted to die, and for that brief time I could understand what drives women to take lovers.

What makes love-making within a marriage so endlessly interesting and fun is not endless variety, but the endless challenges in loving just one person

Happily I didn't, and when we eventually were together again, we were as close as ever.

 
"What makes love-making within a marriage so endlessly interesting and fun is not endless variety, but the endless challenges in loving just one person"

But our troubles were not yet over. Several years ago, Shaun suffered a devastating, work-induced breakdown. When our wonderful and sympathetic GP suggested helping him through the first few weeks with an anti-depressant, my heart sank.

The whole family was going through terrible trauma as a result of it all. It's honestly true that making love was the only activity for some time that had put a spontaneous smile on my face.

I dreaded the drug and its side effects. Would Shaun lose all desire for me? Was I not even to have that pleasure any more?

Happily, that didn't happen, but in a bid to boost his self-esteem, I felt the least I could do was to take the initiative frequently in the bedroom.

I remember reading a magazine article not long afterwards about a couple who vowed to make love to each other every day for a year and thinking: ‘Only once a day?’

As I write, I am going through a fragile phase. Our daughter has been struggling with a long-term illness and I’ve been missing my dear late mother every day.

Even through her husband's breakdown and her mother's death, Annie says sex gives the couple intimacy +8 View gallery

Even through her husband's breakdown and her mother's death, Annie says sex gives the couple intimacy

So I don’t feel particularly sexy, but nonetheless I value sex more than ever.

When Shaun makes love to me, I feel whole again. By night, it gives me a far deeper sleep; in the morning, more energy for the day. It’s the closest form of togetherness we have.

There are many ways to make love. A flower, a passionate text, a passing kiss — each can be thrilling and memorable.

And if people are genuinely so intimidated by the ubiquity of apparently perfect sex and cowed into celibacy as a result, I feel sorry and sad.

After all, if we were perfect lovers there would be nothing more to learn, and perhaps there really would then be no reason to continue.

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Food for thought on footing the bill

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DEPRESSED wages, and a rising cost of living – these are the biggest tribulations facing the man on the street these days.

Needless to say, the lower income group is the one most affected but things have come to a stage where the Middle 40 (M40) group, especially those with families, is being dragged down and feeling the pinch too.

The biggest problem is that food –an unavoidable spending – is what takes up the bulk of the families’ budgets.

Chicken – a source of protein that cuts across all walks of life, creed and faith – tops the list of food. And keeping chicken prices down has become impossible.

Malaysia recorded a 2.8% year-on-year (y-o-y) increase in the consumer price index, which measures inflation. Food inflation rose by 5.2%, which means food prices are rising faster than anything else.

And experts warned that the food bills will keep going up.

With food insecurity on one side, rising cost on the other, the question is: what can be done to survive this double-edged sword?

True, much of the work of controlling the surging inflation is in the hands of the government and market forces but what can be done at the individual level?

Some may suggest side gigs and part-time jobs to grow wealth but the more immediate and feasible measures will be a relook at personal spending and lifestyle changes, including dietary habits.

Cutting back on non-essential items, budgeting, doing cooking more at home and making diet changes may help.

Bank Islam chief economist Dr Mohd Afzanizam Abdul Rashid suggests a rethink on personal expenditure.

“The other is to look for additional income via part-time jobs. The third is to save and invest so the money will grow and hopefully, outperform the inflation,” he said.Sunway University Economics Prof Dr Yeah Kim Leng said that on the consumers part, they could explore cheaper substitutes, cut back on discretionary spending or reduce consumption.

They could also look for alternative sources of nutrients.

Singletons living with friends or housemates could pool groceries and cook meals together.

When it comes to takeouts, cutting down on using food delivery apps may help, as delivery charges make meals costlier. It’s cheaper to go out and buy them directly from the outlets.

Aside from that, buying groceries at a wholesale market instead of wet markets or grocery stories may also be a cheaper alternative.

Deputy dean of Universiti Putra Malaysia’s Faculty of Medicine and Health Sciences Assoc Prof Dr Barakatun Nisak Mohd Yusof noted that nutritious food will cost slightly more and a good meal must comprise food from all groups of the food pyramid

Citing a study, she said the food group that is likely to be affected is protein, as animal based protein such as meat and fish are the ones getting expensive.

She fears people may turn to starch which is relatively cheaper. There is also a fear that more people may turn to fast food or cheap but unhealthy alternatives like instant noodles.

Dr Barakatun said plant based protein such as dhall, beans, tauhu, tofu and tempeh are good alternatives.

“These are good sources of protein and are not only cheaper, but also contain fibre,” she said.

She said habitual meat eaters not accustomed to plant-based diets could incorporate such food slowly into their diet.

“It is not like you have to eat them daily. You can have them on alternate days or as part of a weekly meal plan,” she said.

As for vegetables, she also suggested consumption of “ulam”, a fairly affordable dish that could be easily grown in homes.

She said vegetables such as carrot, lady’s finger, cabbage and long beans could be bought in bulk as they can last longer.

While processed frozen food like sausages should be avoided, frozen chicken meat and fish can be consumed.

She also suggested freshwater fish such as catfish or keli, which remain affordable.

“We can also focus on local fruits,” she said.

She also suggested meal planning, such as pre-planing the simple dishes that can be cooked throughout the week. Groceries for the week can then be bought based on the plan.

Another interesting tip which Dr Barakatun shared was to segregate and pack ingredients according to the menu planned.

She felt meal prepping could then be turned into a fun family activity with kids.

These lifestyle changes will definitely not be easy but they could help stretch the ringgit and leave some extra cash in the wallet in these tough times. 

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Young buyers flock to property market

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Interest rate cuts, govt incentives spur buying interests

“We believe the strong growth in our young buyers is both a natural evolution and as a result of a conscious strategic effort we have made to appeal to this important customer group,"-
Datuk Chang Khim Wah

 

Eco World Development Group Bhd president and chief executive officer Datuk Chang Khim Wah told StarBiz the increase in younger buyers was due to a conscious strategic effort made by the group to appeal to this target market.

Property developers are seeing a pick up in sales, especially from younger buyers, as the numerous interest rate cuts and government incentives have spurred buying interest.

Eco World Development Group Bhd president and chief executive officer Datuk Chang Khim Wah said the increase in younger buyers was due to a conscious strategic effort made by the group to appeal to this target market.

“During our initial years of operations (circa 2015) the percentage of young buyers (below 40 years old) was around 43% and today it is more than 70%.

“We believe the strong growth in our young buyers is both a natural evolution and as a result of a conscious strategic effort we have made to appeal to this important customer group, both through the products we are offering as well as the way in which we engage them via social media and digital channels, ” he told StarBiz.

Of the 70%, Chang said around 50% are in their 30s and the remaining 20% are in their 20s. “We are particularly happy that a good number of these buyers include children of our own customers and residents in the vicinity of our development. This validates our efforts over the last few years to make a strong pivot to serve the needs of this market segment and the wider M40 group.

“Our upcoming launch of the new Duduk series of vertical townships offering semi-furnished apartments priced below RM400,000 at Eco Ardence and Eco Sanctuary, as well landed homes starting from RM500,000 at Eco Botanic 2, will enable us to further capture the hearts and minds of this very important market segment.”

Chang said the prolonged movement control order (MCO) period has really made many young people realise that the quality of home and living environment matters greatly.

Mah Sing Group Bhd chief executive officer Datuk Ho Hon Sang (pic below) said as the bulk of its projects comprised units within the affordable range segment, the majority of its buyers comprised those below 35 years of age.

“For Mah Sing, 84% of our target sales for 2020 are for residential properties priced below RM700,000 with key focus in the affordable segment. We typically see about 65% of buyers who are 35 years and below, for most of the affordable projects were launched in recent years. Hence, the majority of our buyers are first time homeowners.”

Despite the challenging market environment in view of the Covid-19 pandemic, Ho said demand continues to be resilient as property remained one of the safest forms of asset class for long-term capital protection and appreciation.

“Malaysia’s population is still very young with 66% below 40 years old and as such, household formation continues to be strong. Affordably-priced properties of good quality and at strategic locations remain highly sought after.

“This is especially for first-time home buyers, which augers well for Mah Sing’s product composition.”

Sunway Property said it is seeing increasing interest from younger buyers from 25 years to 35 years in its properties that are transit-oriented and have good facilities nearby.

“For example, our developments such as the transit-oriented Sunway Avila in Wangsa Maju, the integrated and transit-oriented Sunway Velocity TWO and the youth-focused development of Sunway Grid in Sunway Iskandar has seen enthusiastic response from younger purchasers, ” it said.

Property data, analytics and solutions provider MyProperty Data chief executive officer Thor Joe Hock said the median age for residential property transactions has gradually dropped over the years.

“When we look at the over 2.5 million residential property transactions, including serviced apartments, it appears that the median age of buyers from 2000 to 2019 has remained largely unchanged at between 34 to 35 years of age.

“However, when you break it down into landed and non-landed transactions, we start to get a clearer picture. The median age for non-landed properties has fallen from 40 years in 2000 to 28 years in 2019; while the median age for landed property purchasers marginally decreased from 40 years to 37 years over the same period.”

MyProperty Data manages a property data portal called PropertyAdvisor.

Meanwhile, Lagenda Properties Bhd managing director Datuk Jimmy Doh said more than half of its buyers are below 39 years of age.

“We believe as young people start new phases in their lives, for example getting a job or starting their own families, they prefer to stay independently and have their own space, granted that the properties are within their price range.

“Over the past few years, we have been seeing an increase in buyers. Our properties are priced below RM200,000, ” he said.

MIDF Research in a recent report said the aggressive overnight policy rate (OPR) cuts have improved home buyers’ purchasing power.

“Bank Negara cut its overnight policy rate for the fourth time this year by 25 basis points (bps) to a record low of 1.75% in July due to the severe impact of the Covid-19 pandemic on the global economy. The aggressive OPR cuts this year are positive to the sector as it improved home buyer’s purchasing power by reducing loan installments.

“We estimate monthly installments to reduce by 14%, after 125 bps cut for RM500,000 loan with a loan repayment period of 30 years, which is quite significant in our view. Hence, we think the record-low interest rate will partly help to alleviate home buyers’ issue of securing home financing, as the record low yield has boosted the affordability of home buyers.”

MIDF Research also said it expected loan demand to recover in the second half of 2020.

Citing Bank Negara’s statistics, it said total applied loan for the purchase of property improved sequentially by 52.9% month-on-month to RM13.1bil in May, after plunging by 64.8% month-on-month in April.

“Note that total applied loan recorded steep decline in April due to the disruption to business activity following the commencement of the MCO.

“Nevertheless, total applied loan in May was lower by 61.8% year-on-year while cumulative total applied loan in the first five months of 2020 was lower by 33.6% year-on-year, indicating buying interest was subdued.”

Looking ahead, the research house expected buying interest to recover in the second half of this year, spurred by incentives introduced by the government.

Under the Short-Term Economic Recovery Plan (Penjana), which was announced in June, the government reintroduced the Home Ownership Campaign (HOC). Under the HOC, stamp duty exemption will be provided on the transfer of property and loan agreement for the purchase of home priced between RM300,000 and RM2.5mil.

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Chinese New Year Reunion 2016

‘Falling’ in love: A screengrab of Mah Sing Group’s Chinese New Year video that is going viral on social media.

Another year, another reunion

The modern Malaysian Chinese family has come a long way. Many practices have been ‘adjusted’ but some things never change.

NOT many families want to talk about it openly. But the all-important Chinese New Year reunion dinners have become more complicated and in recent years, more stressful for sure.

It is almost impossible and even unfair to expect the patriarch and matriarch of the family to cook the meal, traditionally sumptuous and heavy in some cases, especially when they are getting along in years.

Mum’s cooking sounds good everywhere but in many cases, this has become a fond but distant memory. The maid has taken over this role and of course, our expectations have also become more realistic.

The world has changed. The women family members, whether daughters or daughters-in-law, are part of the work force now.

It is wrong to expect them to take over the kitchen duties. In fact, don’t even expect them to do the dishes. Don’t even think about it if you know what’s good for you especially during the festive season.

Cleaning up the house after a feast is a daunting task. All of us understand and accept the fact that we cannot overwork the maid, who are already grumbling about the weaker ringgit.

So, the modern Malaysian Chinese family settles for a compromised position – have the reunion dinner at a hotel or restaurant. Never mind if the food might be crappy.

For a Penangite like me, where Perakanan dishes are compulsory in the reunion meal, I resign to the fact that I won’t find my favourite jiu hoo char (stir-fried turnip with dried cuttlefish) and lobak (meat rolls) at any hotel banquet.

But you know that’s not all. The family member – perceived to be the most successful in life – always ends up paying the hefty bill. It’s only expected.

And we all know that hotel food, like those served on planes, is bad. But telling the person footing the bill that the meal is “lousy” right after dinner is not exactly the appropriate CNY greeting ....

Next, the giving of ang pow for the kids. While no one wants to admit that the amount in these red packets matter, it does!

It’s not going to look too good on you if the ang pow is small – and I mean the money inside, not the size of the packet – and especially if you are perceived to be better off.

Then, the conversation after the reunion dinner. And that is the most sensitive which can cause friction and great unhappiness.

I am not talking about the 1MDB and the RM2.6bil donation issue but explosive questions to family members, who are past 30 and still unmarried.

Yes, these purportedly choosy types, who think their partner, especially if you are a woman, should have better degrees, bigger car, a house, a club membership, a steady job with hopes of further promotions and of course, good looks, a great sense of humour as well as soft skills. By this, I mean having the ability to appreciate fine food and wine.

For the guys, they expect their partners to be able to cook like their mothers, be as good looking and curvy as the celebrities they see in heavily photoshopped pictures in magazines and of course, have a good career to help pay for the household bills.

But that’s not the end of it. If you are married and have not started a family, you would be offered many unsolicited solutions from busybody aunties – from artificial insemination to eating bull’s penises. Of course, there are subtle accusations of dangerous liaisons in China, what with the frequent business trips there.

No wonder the Chinese population in Malaysia is shrinking fast. But of course, like many Chinese voters, the blame has to fall on the Government. Their failure, or inability or refusal, to start a family, is the fault of the government entirely.

And if you happen to work in the media, all eyes will be on you. In this case, it’s me. With Google and news portals with anti-government slants easily available these days, everyone is now an expert on every issue. We have all become instant analysts and opinion shapers.

Yes, yes, of course, Malaysia’s temperature during the CNY will drop to as low as 16°C and will be the coldest CNY ever.

“That’s what the social media said what, so must be true mah!”

But it’s a reunion dinner. After the interrogation of the poor singles, it undoubtedly has to come to politics. I am not sure if this is a Malaysian thing, like the open house, but do people in other countries whine too?

Probably they do, and by now politicians in modern democracies would have realised that they have to earn their respect.

Don’t expect the people to pay homage to you because no one told you to stand for election and for sure, don’t expect us to be eternally grateful to you because you came begging for our votes with plenty of promises.

They have to learn that they will be belittled, ridiculed and criticised. So don’t run to the powers that be to shut anyone up with sedition charges. Get used to it.

I expect the grumbling and cynical remarks to be louder this year at gatherings with family and friends. There are a lot of unhappy people around.

But politicians do not have to worry too much as the louder yam seng will drown the complaints. To all Malaysians celebrating Chinese New Year, I wish you all Gong Xi Fa Cai!

By Wong Chun Wai on the beat The Star

Wong Chun Wai began his career as a journalist in Penang, and has served The Star for over 27 years in various capacities and roles. He is now the group's managing director/chief executive officer and formerly the group chief editor.

On The Beat made its debut on Feb 23 1997 and Chun Wai has penned the column weekly without a break, except for the occasional press holiday when the paper was not published. In May 2011, a compilation of selected articles of On The Beat was published as a book and launched in conjunction with his 50th birthday. Chun Wai also comments on current issues in The Star.

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Life is not meant to be lived alone

Aunty is not just talking about any Tom, Dick or Harry. It’s husband material she’s looking for!
  - Life is not meant to be lived alone. No matter how many friends and relatives you have, there is nothing like someone to grow old with.

MY daughter just changed jobs. I called her at the end of her first day to enquire how it went. She started telling me about how pleased she was with her new office and her immediate supervisor.

I couldn’t contain myself and interrupted her: “Okay good, but are there any nice guys around?”

That stopped her in mid-sentence and after a moment of silence, she sighed and said, “Oh Mum, give it up, will you?”

Yes, I was more concerned about my daughter’s dating prospects than her job prospects.

Why am I worried? Because she’s 25, single and not dating. As my friend intoned: “If they don’t meet the right guy in college or university, it will be very hard for them to do so later on.”

This may be true once but it is now debatable since women overwhelmingly make up the number of undergraduates in our public universities.

So London mayor Boris Johnson couldn’t be more wrong when he said Malaysian women were entering university in droves because “they have got to find men to marry”.

He made the quip upon hearing Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak say women make up 68% of the latest public university intake at the launch of the World Islamic Economic Forum.

And that is really the biggest obstacle to the dating-mating game – this changed power structure between men and women.

As I have said before, thanks to education, job opportunities and contraceptives, women have the means to shape and control their own destiny.

They are on the rise and taking over in many fields. I attended a meeting recently at a top local bank to discuss a project and in the room were representatives from the bank, the advertising agency, a TV station and my own media company – all women except for one chap who didn’t say a word throughout the meeting. I never found out who he is and what he was doing at the meeting.

That meeting wasn’t the only one I have attended that was dominated by women; it happens all the time.

Women are so high-achieving at a relatively young age – VPs or senior managers before they are 35 – that they are leaving the guys in the dust, both in the career and marriage stakes.

A dear friend who is very pretty, has a great personality and just turned 40 is a top manager in her company. She is single and, over coffee, she agreed that dating in the 21st century is complicated for this very reason.

Because she is able to more than provide for herself, she isn’t willing to settle for just any guy. And she doesn’t think it’s worth the effort.

And really, where have all the men gone? They can’t all be chefs or mobile phone salesmen and repairmen, can they?

According to a 2011 report, globally, attitudes to sex and marriage have changed under the pressures of wealth and modernisation.

In Western society, it has led to divorce and illegitimacy; in Asia “later marriage, less marriage and (to some extent) more divorce”.

The Economist goes on to say that in Japan, Taiwan, South Korea and Hong Kong, women were marrying later (at 29-30 years old) and more and more are simply not marrying at all. In 2010, it was found that one-third of Japanese women in their 30s were single.

Not only that: 37% of all women in Taiwan aged 30-34 were single, as were 21% of 35 to 39-year-olds.

“If women are unmarried entering their 40s, they will almost certainly neither marry nor have a child,” said the report.

It went to say that the “Asian avoidance of marriage is new, and striking” because 30 years ago, just 2% of women were single in most Asian countries. Now it’s closer to 25% among women in their 30s.

Basically, Asian women are quite content to stay single because they don’t see a lot of benefits in getting hitched. They seem to take quite well to the celibate life too. At least that’s what the Economist says.

And it shows no sign of levelling off, according to Prof Gavin W. Jones of the National University of Singapore. In an April 2013 report, he says this East Asian trend in singlehood has accelerated in Japan and South Korea over the past decade, leaving the governments “nonplussed” as to how to reverse it.

In Malaysia, the situation may not be so dire but I am anxious for my daughters (my other daughter is 22 and not dating either) who, I think, are just not trying hard enough. They would rather chill at home than party or go clubbing.

I thoroughly irritate them with my attempts at match-making but I persist. After much prodding and telling them they were getting fat and unhealthy, they both joined a gym. It hasn’t helped in getting them dates though. Maybe most of the guys who love working out are not into girls.

Why do I persist? It’s not because I have no faith in my girls to take care of themselves; they are well educated and already hold decent jobs.

It’s because I believe life is not meant to be lived alone. No matter how many friends and relatives you have, there is nothing like having someone to grow old with and to be there for you no matter what.

True, marriage may not be for everyone and it doesn’t always work out. But I want my kids to have a shot at it. Like the wife of the protagonist in the movie, Shall We Dance?, says: We need a witness to our lives. There are a billion people on the planet ... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage ... You’re saying ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness.’”

Where have all the young men gone? 

SO AUNTY , SO WHAT? BY JUNE H.L.WON

> The writer confesses she would be a much better witness to her own spouse if she didn’t spend so much time at work. Feedback to junewong@thestar.com.my or tweet #JuneHLWong

Mutual love and marry, so what?

Forty-year-old Riduan Masmud who allegedly had sex with a 13-year-old girl,

 KOTA KINABALU: He allegedly had sex with a 13-year-old girl and saw no wrong in it.

Riduan Masmud, the 40-year-old who shocked the nation after being charged with raping the minor and later declared that he had married her in the midst of the case, has opened up for the first time on why he decided to take the girl as his second wife.

The restaurant manager defended his action, saying it was a case of suka sama suka (mutual consent), adding that it was acceptable under Syariah law.

It could not be ascertained whether the girl met Riduan while she was at school or whether she had been working for him. She is from a very poor family.

As his rape case came up for mention at a Sessions Court yesterday, Riduan told reporters that he had known the girl for about six months and felt he had the right (to marry an underage girl).

“There are many cases of men marrying underage girls. I do not see why my case should be any different,“ said the father of four children, aged between two and 17. He declined to say if any of them is a girl.

Riduan was speaking to reporters outside the courtroom after Sessions Court Judge Ummu Khatom Abd Samad set July 1 to 4 to hear the case.

Judge Ummu Khatom gave the Attorney-General's Chambers until June 6 to make a decision on whether to proceed with the case.

Riduan was charged on Feb 28 with raping the girl inside a car parked by the roadside in Inanam near here at 10am on Feb 18.

On May 7, DPP Ahmad Nazmeen Zulkifli told the court he had no objection for the case to be withdrawn after the girl withdrew the rape report against the man April 18.

It is understood that it was the girl's aunt who lodged the police report after she found out about the “affair”.

The courtroom was packed yesterday with concerned groups turning up in full force. Many women interest groups and NGOs turned up for the hearing yesterday, including Befrienders Kota Kinabalu president Datuk Seri Siti Rubiah Abdul Samad, the wife of Foreign Minister Datuk Seri Anifah Aman.

All eyes were on the girl who appeared briefly in court. She has a childlike face, wore some make up, and tied up her long hair in a pony tail. Thin and looking under-developed, she was dressed in a T-shirt and jeans.

Riduan said he would let his child-wife finish her studies first and “maybe later take up a cosmetic course with my first wife”, adding that she was a make-up artist.

His wife also told the press that she had accepted the teenager to be her husband's second wife and promised to guide her through her studies.

However, Riduan stopped talking and moved away from the media when he was signalled by a lawyer not to talk.

The girl's father, who was also at the court, said he accepted his daughter's marriage to Riduan as they liked each other.

“It is best for her that they get married. What else can I do?” he added.

As the case came up for mention yesterday, DPP Chaw Siang Kong told the court that he needed time to review the case as it involved public interest.

Lawyers Datuk Mariati Robert and Mary Lee held watching briefs for Sabah Law Association and the Sabah Women Action Resource Group respectively.

Counsel Loretto J. Padua informed the court that the Syariah marriage certificates had been presented to the investigating officer and confirmed that the two were now married.

The court ordered that the man's RM8,000 bail be extended till June 6.

By STEPHANIE LEE and MUGUNTAN VANAR
newsdesk@thestar.com.my